Advice- Ian answers God's mail.

Yeah, last week I took on Abby's mail. But let's face it: it was dulltastic--except that crazy one about a girl with a daddy complex! I thought I handled it well by not overtly telling her she'd end up being a street walking prostitute. Abby's answer was hilarious, she just told her to bond closer with her mother. As if anyone in North America has a mother and father! For all she knows that girl has no mom and that man is married to a man, or he used to be a woman! I stand by my advice. Get out there and play some sports.

This week I am taking on God's mail from Dear-God.net. Unlike Abby with her crappy advice God doesn't even give advice, so anything I say is better than him/her. I am only taking on the sex mail though because 1) it's funny. 2) it's all you sick-minded folk care about. And 3) I can only answer so much of god's mail (there's a lot!) Part of the hilarity of this site is the pictures and, because I love you people, they will be lovingly included with each letter. Click them for big versions! (Update Sept 10th: It was messing with the formatting, so go to the page to see the pictures. Come on. I can't do everything for you)

Hanging Out With His Brother And We Slept Together
Dear God,I made a horrible mistake. I asked you to help me get over an ex that I’m still in love with, that broke my heart. Well I didn’t get over him but I have been spending time away from him and it’s been great. The only problem is that I recently starting hanging out with his brother and we slept together. It was a drunken mistake and I really feel horrible about the entire thing.I wanted to tell the ex but I figured that I should let his brother do that. The brother doesn’t want to tell him now but I can’t live with this. It’s all I can think about and this sounds stupid but I’m really not this kind of person. I know that I’m the one that screwed up and that I need to deal with it but a little help would be greatly appreciated. I just don’t want this terrible mistake to ruin my ex’s relationship with his brother and if my ex and I could come out of all this as friends that would be great too, but I wouldn’t want ask for too much. Truthfully more than anything else I just want them to be okay and I want to get through this.Thanks for everything. Betsy, Virginia/USA

Dear Betsy,
You are not going to be friends with your ex. Being friends with exes is rare, and now that you're slept with his brother, it's doubtful. On the plus side though what you did isn't wrong! You were broken up! You are not in a relationship with him anymore! And don't give me this "I was drunk" bullshit. I've been drunk, I've been very drunk. I may get a little loose lipped but I've never become a landing strip for an ex-boyfriend's brother's penis. You did it because some part of you wanted to do it, (even if it was a self-destructive part of you). Here's my advice: tell the brother you have VD but you don't want to tell his brother--then see if he pipes up. Don't lie though, you'll have to make sure you have something -- and you probably do if you're bringing men down the runway after a few drinks. Then get out there, try to keep you pants on for a few dates and I'm sure you'll find someone new who's into the whole cuckolded by his brother thing.

God - I Think Your Way Wrong About Sex
Dear God,I love you, but I think you’re way wrong about sex. I’ve been dating the same girl for three years and for two and a half we fought our desires because people claiming to talk for you told us to. Eventually it was too much and we gave in. It was one of the best choices I’ve ever made. Are we humans taking you too literally? Have your words been distorted by 2000 years of human pride and greed? I think so. But I wait to hear from you. Matthew, United States

Dear Matthew,
You didn't have sex for two and a half years? I don't know if I believe that. Are you being creative on what "isn't" sex? Because I think you are. I'll go by the standby my friend Pip says: "if I can get a disease from it, it's sex." Look, the church gets a lot of flack for celibacy blah blah. But let's be honest, 2000 years ago when they were writing the bible--condoms and birth control probably weren't flying at you at pride parades, frosh weeks and barmitzvahs. Diseases and pregnancy were a very real threat. It made sense to promote celibacy. Luckily today we don't live in the dark ages, we have precautions and as long as you know what you're in for--go for it.
Want to know a secret too? All those people claiming to talk for God are repressed whores. At least you're in a committed loving relationship.

I’ve Struggled With Being Promiscuous For More Than Two Years Now
Dear God, I think it was last night that I finally decided to turn this over to you. As you know, I’ve struggled with being promiscuous for more than two years now. I hate the person I’ve become; I hate thinking about all the people I have had sex with. I am ashamed and I have felt alone in my pain because I haven’t let you take over my heart. I hate the false dichotomy I’ve been living - loving you, loving everybody, growing to know you better, all the while still having sex with people I barely know. I can’t do this anymore, & I know you’ve finally decided to intervene, no longer letting me go it alone. I love you,Lord. You have to save me from this. Take away this burden, make me new, make me to accept your forgiveness, and to open up to somebody I can trust to hold me accountable. Jesus, your forgiveness & your grace are so overwhelming. I can not praise you enough. Jenne - California/USA

Dear Jenne/Slut,
Stop telling fine people like Matthew above that he shouldn't be having sex, your lifestyle is a fine one for some people, there's nothing wrong with it. But undeniably: it's not working for you. So what are your other options? Well the most obvious ones are be less slutty, become a nun, chastity belt. He's what you need to do, find some man who is a crazy nymphomaniac like yourself. People knock meeting online but there's a scenario where you can get to know eachother before you bring his airplane into your hanger. Give it a try.

I’m A Christian And My Sex Life Sucks
Dear God, I grew up in your church that told me that sex before marriage was wrong and could lead to destruction in relationships later in life… I abstained. Now I’m married to my beautiful wife that grew up under the same pressures to abstain. We don’t have sex because there are so many barriers and fences put up in her that sex is bad, sinful, guilt-riden, and carries all these negatives. (Now, she doesn’t say these things, but its what I surmise & feel from her) While dating, we grew strong spiritually and emotionally, but the sex/physical intimacy was avoided. Now we are like on a 3-legged stool with only 2 legs! Falling. Honestly it sucks with the sex drive that you handed me! I waited my whole life for this? And when we do make love, it has to be in the bedroom, on the bed, missionary pos. no exceptions… ever. God, is this what you intended for this beautiful experience? Sometimes, shamefully, I wish I’d taken advantage of all the opportunities I had in HS or College. Hear my cry Oh Lord! Why is it so bad to talk about this important intimate part of a marriage relationship? Yes, I’m a Christian and my sex life sucks! Michael, Wyoming/USA

Dear Michael,
Uhh, well that sucks. I own a book Michael it is called: 'How to Be Happily Married' written by Elam J Daniels published in 1955 it comes with the warning underneath that it is "for married people only" in capital letters. I have read the entire contents of this book Michael, I am unmarried, and there is nothing salacious, interesting or sexy about the relationship they describe. Instead it is about the "termites" that plague marriage including "modern dance"--can you imagine? How scandalous. It is mostly about fear of the marriage ending from these "termites" rather than the love that should be at the centre.
Look Michael, you're married I believe that marriage is a sacrament, and if you go out and try to do what you wish you did in HS and College that's wrong. But a genuinely failed marriage that you stay in is also wrong. So discuss it, did you marry too naive? If the answer is yes then maybe it's time to get out of it. But the world may not be the slut-fest you imagine. Though I do know a girl now named Jenne you might like to get to know.

Sex Addict
Dear God,When I was a kid my mother used to say that my body was my temple. I never liked my mother and now she’s dead. Maybe everything I’ve done since then has been an attempt to exorcise her memory. When I think of all the men I’ve had sex with it seems like the only explanation. It’s not like I’m attracted to them - many of them are ugly, some of them are fat and most of them I can’t even remember. Most of them are married guys I meet online. I’d like to feel guilty about sleeping with the love of somebody else’s life – but I don’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a love I can compare it to. Please God, what can I do? I know I’m a sex addict but I don’t know why and I think I might be at the end of my rope. I was never religious when I was a kid – I hated church and everything that went with it. But now I find I’ve exhausted every avenue. There’s nothing left. Are you there God?Tina in Chicago

Hey Tina,
Read what I wrote to Jenne.

Sex With Men
Dear God,I don’t know where to start. This is so hard for me to say that I have never told another living soul. First, let me say that I’m a married man and that I have a wife and three children I love very much. Sometimes when I think how much I love them I wonder how it is that I do what I do. I’ve lied to myself so long about this there seems no point in lying to you, so I’ll just say it – I go to public toilets and have sex with men. It started seven years ago after my promotion. Since then I have gone almost every day and sometimes twice a day to a toilet near the base but sometimes I go to local park. I’ve tried to stop through willpower but I can’t. I have to admit that the excitement of it is too much to resist. I find everything about the experience a total turn on, from the anonymity to the danger and even the smell. I need to say that I’m straight. I am, I know that and I could never have a relationship with a man. I also know that I’m risking everything. I could be arrested or blackmailed and I worry all the time about AIDS. Why do I do this? Do I hate myself? I can’t see a psychologist. I can’t talk about this with anyone. Please, dear God, show me a way out of this. Jim, San Diego

Dear Jim,
I do believe your straight, or bi--or maybe you really are gay. I know people will doubt this, but obviously the anonymous sex thing is just a turn-on to some men. And since there are not many darkened corners where women are bringing in "plane-penises" for a landing (except for Tina and Jenne) you have discovered the charm of forbidden sex the gay community has been dubiously associated with. And for some reason you like the smell of pee? Really?
But to address the marriage part: you need to tell your wife, or get out of the relationship or stop having sex with her now. She doesn't know the risk you are posing to her and you are doing her a disservice by doing that to her. Then get help, get tested, and talk it out with her. You need more help than God and I can offer.