Advice - How to catch a gay.

Dear Ian
I made a move a few months ago, and was hoping to find love in my new
environment. Alas, the few gays I can find are completely terrifyingly unappealing.
Should I just sit and wait? Try to just branch a bit? Or stop looking for a relationship
and just become really slutty?
Signed
GOING OUT OF MY MIND

Dear GOOMM,
  While I can't deny my love of the slut-fest I think you just need to think of a
different approach.  Most homosexuals are not wearing it on their sleeve.
So unless you're sporting a "I'm a big gay" t-shirt as you ride to school on
a unicorn, you're probably as invisible as the gay-hottie you seek.
  You don't seem to be a "ra-ra pussy/dick lickin'" man/lady (or manlady)
because you went straight to "the few gays I can find are terrifyingly unappealing"
why are they unappealing?  Would they not make suitable scalps for
scalping? Could you not wear them as an outfit?  No.  I put two and two
together and deduced that you were looking for some action.
  That's where you're giving gays way too much credit.  Sometimes they
don't put two and two together. Or one and one rather...two and two is
a foursome and you didn't ask about that.  Sometimes they don't put one
and one together.  There are other quiet, shy gay men and women who don't
like to gay it up each day.  Don't mistake me, I'm not suggesting closet
cases, who will just make you feel terrible.  I mean genuine out gay folk
who just think they'll hang back till a good one says "I'm gay."  Wellll
this is obviously not the solution.
  This is why homosexuality is not unlike the junior high dance, everyone is
against the wall judging the dancers but desperately wishing someone would
ask them to dance, or wishing they had the courage to ask someone to dance.
Suggestions: 1) Go online.  It's how the shy gays find eachother, be wary and
ask questions but it's an option, 2) Volunteer.  Gays have all of the caring in
their heart.  3) Ask people out early in the game, attractions turn to obsessions
turn to creepy quickly and before you know it you're too terrified to ask.
Ask early so if it doesn't work they're not thinking "how long have they been
after me?" since you've only known each other for a week.  4) Network through
friends, co-workers.  No blind-date garbage but get invited to events where a
gay will be in attendance. Best of luck.  Play safe.

For everyone else out there, I'm starting to get real letters (as seen this week and last).
Please send a question to Ian_Mullan@hotmail.com.  Your identity will be kept a secret,
and I will answer for the following Tuesday's advice column.