Advice - Stalkers!

Dear Ian,
I was mortally offended by your remark in last week's advice column to GOOMM.
You said that waiting too long to ask out someone once you'd become friends
with them was "creepy." I believe I speak for all obsessive creeps out there
when I say "So what?"
I say GOOMM, creep on people all you like. It's OK to be friends with someone
first and perhaps they will take your internet stalking of them as a compliment
when and if you finally confess your love in a drunken haze.
Could happen.
Signed,
Give Creep a Chance

Dear G-CAC,
Okay I admit that there are benefits to Internet creeping. It's kind of fun and every now and then you come across someone you vaguely know on a naughty website. Or you find out something impressive from their past, or you learn that a website they made in grade 12 still exists but mostly contains animated gifs in a poorly html'd mess. It's fun... it's not fun if you're attracted to the person and not laughing about it with them within hours of learning some Internet tidbit.

First of all let's check if you're doing it right:
1) Checking on facebook? Looking through "this person is friends with" if you can't get access? Switching to their network so you can see more?
2) Googling in quotation marks? Googling all email addresses?
3) Does he/she have a myspace which he/she rarely checks but which may have hilarious photos from the past?
4) Do you know what his home town is? Canada 411'd his number, then googled his/her phone number? His/her parent's number?
5) Have you found an old website? Blog? Youtube acount?
6) Have you thoroughly researched old boyfriends and/or girlfriends and stacked yourself up against them?
7) Have you checked dating sites armed with age, gender, location and scoured the pages for a profile?
8) Looked up common profile names (like "pinkkittendragon_13") in all manner listed above?
and last:
9) Have you edited his/her head onto shirtless 80s heart-throbs?
If that is what you're doing: creepy.

Here's why it's creepy: people like to believe the Internet is secret like some mysterious diary that it's not. If you post something online, it's public. Facebook, myspace, youtube are there for anyone to look at. As long as you aren't hacking passwords you are seeing what (arguably) that person already wanted people to see. Just never did they believe a person would compile a mental shrine to their public persona... except for me (I'm vain).
While you are befriending this person you're deceiving them out of an equal playing field. Although he/she could be net-stalking you, they probably aren't. If you're not coming clean about what you're doing then you have the tools to manipulate. "Let's go to see the new transformers movie" you might say
"I love the transformers" he responds. Despite only researching them the previous night after spotting his geocities website you have put yourself at an advantage. You seem the interested, loving companion and because he (never having net-stalked you) has no idea that you want to see 'The Women' starring Meg Ryan's washed up career--he seems a bit of a jerk.
Okay, let's say those heads pasted on Corey Feldman's body are still getting you through nights of being the thoughtful stalker. That person will never want you as much as you want them. Unless they are net-stalking you like a vigilante through the brushes, your attraction to them will always win. And if you let the person you fall in love with be their Internet persona, the real thing will disappoint. Because when it comes down to it, what they put online is what they want the public to see.
So: net-stalk away, but cautiously. It's unhealthy if you want to develop a real bond with the person. But it's perfectly healthy if you net-stalk a close friend and harass them for their geocities atrocity from 1998. Or embarrassing remnant of a misspent youth.

You can write to Ian for advice at Ian_Mullan@hotmail.com

Favorite Things - GO, GO, GO

'Jordan, Jesse GO!' is one of the best podcasts online. Bar none. It reminds me of my friend Drew and my old roomate Tim having a conversation. The conversation doesn't seem like it is going anywhere but it gets there somehow. It is a show that has gotten me through many dull days at the office laughing at their inane and idle chatter. An offshoot of the Sound of Young America formed by Jesse Thorne self proclaimed "America's Radio Sweetheart". Brilliance, pure brilliance.

Dance Party - Remixed

Welcome to the weekend! There have been comments by the boyfriend that i don't support the mainstream arts. Your Britney's, your Madonnas, and your Chers. Basically any artist you can find a drag queen with five-oclock shadow impersonating in a city near you. It is easier than falling off a bicycle or riding a log to find the originals of these songs.

Leave me an SOS - Rhianna vs Michael Jackson


Gimme more Shoes - Britney Spears vs Kelly


Losing my Believe - Cher vs REM


Ain't no Other Man Brings Sexy Back - Christina Aguilera vs Justin Timberlake


Praise 4 Minutes - Madonna vs Fatboy Slim

Upcoming Events - Dance dance, as if it were the past.

Tomorrow night there is a little thing I like to call "Retro Night" occurring at the Marquee club in Halifax. Mostly I call it that because that is what it is called. Look, I am always a fan of getting over the past. But sometimes you just need to accept some facts, and that fact is people will always have an obsession with the decade they were kids in. And 20-somethings, with our disposal incomes and foolish morals have always been the bullseye target of advertisers (not to be confused with the chain of target stores). Remember in the 90s when all of a sudden the 70s were an excuse for hip? We were served up some Austin Powers, some bell bottoms some Sarah Jessica Parker. In the 70s, they were being served up the 50s on a platter with some Sandy and Rizzo Greasing it up. And what's "hep" now? The 80s. How ironic that we're celebrating the 80s by not only re-embracing the electric colours but also the hard economic times.

But that's not what retro night is all about. Retro night is about dancing from decades past--decades light on pre-1970s material. Dancing like these folks:

Story time - Movies

Talking Pictures? It'll never catch on!

Have you heard of the One Minute Film Festival? Have you gone? It's a website, it's online, a film festival online geared right to your short attention span. They're good solid stories, good solid mini movies from different countries. Go. Now.

And once you go check out all the other short movies the internet has to offer, like Don Hertzfelt's dark animated short: Billy's Balloon.

News - Housing Crisis

There has been a lot of talk about the housing crisis in the United States. Until recently I had no idea what this meant. Were there not enough houses? Too many houses? Were the houses infested with mouses, louses, tumbling and bumping into spouses?

Recently I sat down with the blog's financial market researcher Terry Parsons to discuss the problem in depth. Unfortunately the interview was not recorded so I will attempt to recreate it here-- moderate to excessive artistic license has been taken:

I: Good evening Terry thank you for joining me to discuss the recent financial crisis in the United States.

T: Thank you for having me Ian. I have been a long time follower of your blog and admire the contribution you add to the rich fabric of Halifax.

I: What type of fabric? Would you call it woolen? Cottony soft? Silken?

T: All of those things.

I: Would you call it the Silken Lamen of fabrics to Halifax?

T: I believe that was a rower.

I: I digress. So the financial crisis, many of my readers have been asking me: "Ian. What is this housing crisis?"

T: Well Ian it works like this; a lot of banks got greedy.

I: How greedy? Scrooge McDuck greedy? Or the type of greed exhibited by a squirrel who has his cheeks filled with nuts?

T: The first one.

I: Do you think they have a pool of money like Scrooge McDuck swam in?

T: I can't answer that. Basically they said to everyone: "we want to put you in a home..."

I: An old-folks home?

T: No-- we want to get you in a home, not an old-folks home just a home." and to do that they offered crazy deals like interest-only mortgages for the first five years. Which is useless because you're not paying down any of the principal.

I: So you're basically paying rent sort-of?

T: Exactly. So these people went through five years of paying the interest and since they couldn't afford the home before, they (surprise surprise) still can't afford the home in five years when the bank comes looking for the principal.

I: So the bank re-possesses it like a maple-leaf meat product?

T: Right, only let's say you "bought" the home five years ago for 250,000 well now the housing market in the US is pretty bad.

I: Worse than Posh spice's new hair?

T: Everyone loves that new hairdo.

I: Yeah, stupid people ... I digress.

T: Right. So the houses that cost 250,000 then cost a lot less now. Maybe 200,000. But because these people never paid any of the principal and were only paying down the interest they're out 50,000. But can you afford 50,000 if I come knocking at your door?

I: No. And why would I pay the 50,000 difference if you're taking my home?!

T: Exactly. So the banks are out the money. Billions and billions of dollars of money from all these people they gave bad mortgages to. And these people don't want to lose their homes so they're also racking up debt trying to make payment on the principal.

I: So it is just a debt party?

T: I'd hardly call it a party.

I: Why not? It's called the "Republican party" and I'd hardly call John McCain a "party."

T: What about Canada?

I: Well ... I guess he might let loose a bit more in Canada.

T: Right.

I: I digress. So that's why the government had to give a massive bail out and why these financial companies are failing?

T: Exactly. But the markets rise and fall, if we ride it out it'll get better. Really I'd only be worried if you had intended on retiring in the next 3 years.

I: Nooo my plans are ruined! Welp I guess there's no early retirement for me.

T: Right.

I: Well Terry thank you for joining me, perhaps next time we can turn this witty repartee into some sort of podcast. Or I can copy down the conversation we actually had.

Terry is the financial market researcher to the Mullington blog as well as some sort of employee at TD Bank. Fun fact: he has been to Thailand.

Advice - How to catch a gay.

Dear Ian
I made a move a few months ago, and was hoping to find love in my new
environment. Alas, the few gays I can find are completely terrifyingly unappealing.
Should I just sit and wait? Try to just branch a bit? Or stop looking for a relationship
and just become really slutty?
Signed
GOING OUT OF MY MIND

Dear GOOMM,
  While I can't deny my love of the slut-fest I think you just need to think of a
different approach.  Most homosexuals are not wearing it on their sleeve.
So unless you're sporting a "I'm a big gay" t-shirt as you ride to school on
a unicorn, you're probably as invisible as the gay-hottie you seek.
  You don't seem to be a "ra-ra pussy/dick lickin'" man/lady (or manlady)
because you went straight to "the few gays I can find are terrifyingly unappealing"
why are they unappealing?  Would they not make suitable scalps for
scalping? Could you not wear them as an outfit?  No.  I put two and two
together and deduced that you were looking for some action.
  That's where you're giving gays way too much credit.  Sometimes they
don't put two and two together. Or one and one rather...two and two is
a foursome and you didn't ask about that.  Sometimes they don't put one
and one together.  There are other quiet, shy gay men and women who don't
like to gay it up each day.  Don't mistake me, I'm not suggesting closet
cases, who will just make you feel terrible.  I mean genuine out gay folk
who just think they'll hang back till a good one says "I'm gay."  Wellll
this is obviously not the solution.
  This is why homosexuality is not unlike the junior high dance, everyone is
against the wall judging the dancers but desperately wishing someone would
ask them to dance, or wishing they had the courage to ask someone to dance.
Suggestions: 1) Go online.  It's how the shy gays find eachother, be wary and
ask questions but it's an option, 2) Volunteer.  Gays have all of the caring in
their heart.  3) Ask people out early in the game, attractions turn to obsessions
turn to creepy quickly and before you know it you're too terrified to ask.
Ask early so if it doesn't work they're not thinking "how long have they been
after me?" since you've only known each other for a week.  4) Network through
friends, co-workers.  No blind-date garbage but get invited to events where a
gay will be in attendance. Best of luck.  Play safe.

For everyone else out there, I'm starting to get real letters (as seen this week and last).
Please send a question to Ian_Mullan@hotmail.com.  Your identity will be kept a secret,
and I will answer for the following Tuesday's advice column.  

Favorite Things- NS Coat of arms

Telling the story of a unicorn and a culturally insensitive (yet beloved?) member of the Village people the Nova Scotia coat of arms is in a word: hilarious. With little effort I learned real story--I can tell you now, it was not whimsical: "they were granted to the Royal Province of Nova Scotia in 1625 by King Charles I in support of the first British colonial effort on the Canadian mainland." Boring.

I would much prefer to believe Nova Scotia was once a land of Unicorns ridden my shirtless men in headdresses the likes of which Stephen Harper can only dream about.

In honour of the noble unicorn I give you two videos of delight and fascination.

Dance Party - ADORABLE.

The Free Design - Love You ***a cuteness overload.

Mika - Lollipop

The Maynards - Break out the Make Out

Wax Mannequin - Animals Jump

The Bicycles - Paris Be Mine

For all you folks offended by my love of trashy music, rap and profanity: here's a cute fest! I love all kinds of music, I don't discriminate. So get ready to listen to some adorableness.

Upcoming events - Something worth your money

Although the poster is just a cut out American Apparel ad this has a few things going for it- the desperation in the title "Super coked out fuckfest" and the fact that days later on Halifax locals a second poster was posted just to make sure we all knew it was coming/going to be awesome. It's 5 dollars for four bands which isn't too shabby. Fantods, Scribbler, The Visitation, and Electric Chiac Therapy. You're not going to be changed by these bands, but you will see alot of young sweaty people thrashing around and a couple 18 year olds turned away at the door. Should be a good party.

Storytime - Don't hurt your brain today.

Once upon a time there was a tiny little girl, a tiny little girl with a tiny little curl.
Dancing and prancing in a tiny little whirl, this tiny little girl wore tiny little pearls.
Dressed to impress, the impression that she gave was success nothing less, with attitude and brains.
Attending school in a forehead crease knowledge gave belief that her tinyness would cease,
"Please, please, please,
make me giant size, make me bigger than 700 apples high!"
But at that moment, fate decreed students solve a problem of 200 times three.
"600!" she cried, but it was too late. Dead by thinking, by thought, concentration not hate.

News - Democracy!

Alot of people have been talking about the election. Our election, the election in the states, the municipal election. Signs everywhere in Halifax have been reminding us we are celebrating 250 years of democracy! Well, the men are anyway.

So where is democracy now? Has it resorted to this -- http://www.notaleader.ca/ the prime minister of Canada has posted this link on his website. The class theme does not make me think I am being taught a lesson, it makes me think of all of those bullies who used to scawl across the chalk board. Then there's Dion's counter suit http://www.thisisdion.ca a website that shows Dion as a man with an environmentally invasive lakefront view trying to play to the new trend: green livin'--and we can't forget the parties who, adorably, fight for seats. NDP Orange and Green! I am reminded for some reason of Ireland.

I've decided I care for the little guy, and have been overlooking the larger election for now to instead concentrate on the districts of Halifax! I'm voting for Dawn, you folks decreed her the better choice 5 to 2. I learned later there is a third candidate but in the effort of simplicity and I will imagine it's just a two party system--it's been working for the United States for years.

Harper, did you get all sad at the fun they were having in the US and wanted to join in? Because you've said that the best you can hope for is another minority government. So why are you calling another election? Was Kate Beaton correct?



Learn about our system, you vote for candidates--if you're like me all of the leaders seem a little loopy. Get to know who's running in your riding. I'll help. With even you Hali conservatives.

ps. Dear United States. Don't fear powerful women, but please fear Sarah Palin -- That bitch is crazy. Have you seen the letter from Anne Kilkenny?

Advice - My first real letter!

I got the first letter requesting my advice! Eat that God and Abby! Unfortunatly I only recieved one. So this week's advice section is short. Maybe if you send me questions to Ian_Mullan@hotmail.com you too can be advised. Your identity will be kept top-secret.

LETTER:
As a theatre student I have run into people who, after learning I am studying theatre, laugh and make some comment about how it must be easy. It is not easy! It involves a lot of hard work just like everything else there is to study. I find it very disrespectful when people say this and despite trying to explain to them what goes into a show they don't understand. How can I make them understand? Signed - Disrespected in the theatre

Dear Ditt,
People think theatre is easy because of how easily a terrible actor can make a career out of it, and a good actor can go into botany. In theatre you get out what you put in. There will be a dredge of jerks walking across the stage when you graduate who studied drama and gave nothing back while you killed yourself with lighting plots, set-construction and timetables. Theatre is self-motivation, task management, and being obligated to yourself to succeed, make work and grow. Put simply: Theatre has more to do with plumbing, and the trades industry than it has to do with other academic subjects. A good plumber can anticipate problems and has practical experience-- good theatre students will develop a working knowlege of marketing, carpentry, administration, management, design, writing, and fundraising. The trade of theatre is adaptability.

I think people have this notion that theatre and ho'ery are linked. Many times in history acting and prostitution was one and the same career choice. Although no longer the case it doesn't hurt if you want a job in the field to put-out, or get fucked with low pay...I think that's common knowledge. So when people hear: "I'm getting into theatre" their eyes roll because they don't see it as academic, they see it as borderline working-class. You have to use your hands?! You have to enjoy it? Well, that isn't "education." That isn't "work." Yeah well, it's not. It's a lifestyle choice. If you want to do theatre, you have to do it--motivate yourself, seek jobs, make jobs, apply for grants, take other jobs and sometimes: go back to school.

Say to the detractors "I'm passionate about it." If they don't understand, then maybe they are in the wrong career field.

Favorite things- Hiphop and Rap go gay.

Male chauvinism in music is a laugh. When they're not calling women hos they're producing music where women act like hos. But let's be honest here, I love me some trashy music, when Ludacris say's "ho tell everyone even the mayor reach up in the sky for the ho-zone layer" I am certain he is attune to the concept of parody. When Sir Mixalot was banging out Baby Got Back in '92 did he realize it would end up in a animated movie about an ogre? Meant for children? When Alanis Morissette put out her My Humps black eyed peas tribute was she just pointing out that it's a mockery of itself already? I do think there are rappers and hip-hop artists out there who are ignorant to the hilarity of their genre, but they're boring it's the self-aware ones that keep me listening.

Rap and hip-hop have crossed into this territory of role play where "artists" don't want to be associated with the culture of violence the songs (allegedly) grew out of and instead develop safe gang characters. It wasn't that much of a step, I draw your attention to the case of Snoop Dogg. So with that to inspire him Marshall Mathers became the foul-mouth Eminem perpetuating his manufactured image with 8 Mile, and Justin Timberlake more recently followed it up with Alpha Dog. It almost makes you forget that Timberlake used to look like this hmmm? Halifax area rappers are trying to do it too; which is the real Buck 65, the one that used to sing in this whiny voice and work at the paperchase cafe, or this raspy voiced star of cbc radio 2&3? Probably neither. Rap is being stolen by white people, by raspy-voiced Canadian heartthrobs, and the most recent threat: the gays.

That's right, a genre that you have held near and dear to your heart is being taken over by the homosexuals. But in the tradition of self-deprecation, self-awareness, character-creation, and "hos" this new breed of rap and hip hop is just as awkwardly forthcoming. Tori Fixx, Gay Pimp, and Cazwell are the latest addition to the foul-mouthed collection of rap and hip hop artists. With songs like 'Woof', 'Soccer Practice' and 'All Over your Face' gays too can have trashy terrible role-models who celebrate the virtues of ho'ing and pimp'ery. Not that we didn't have enough already. Up there with the endearingly vulgar Plastic Little the gays know how to write a hilarious song too. So I'll end the post with I Seen Beyonce at Burger King by Cazwell-- the song least likely to offend:

Dance Party- Trrrash

Quad City DJ's - C'mon N Ride It

Amanda Lepore - My hair looks fierce

Avenue D - Do I look like a slut?

Uffie - Dismissed
Fannypack - Cameltoe

Princess Superstar - Bad babysitter

Verbz - Shopaholic

Gravy Train - Hella Nervous

Chicks on Speed - Wordy Wrappinghood

Peaches - Slippery Dick

CSS - Meeting Paris Hilton



I have to admit something: I really love trashy music. I love it so bad. I know I shouldn't, I know what good indie music sounds like (I heard some last night). I listen to CBC radio 3. I am an educated person who knows these lyrics are morally wrong, poorly written and musically valueless--if only I could just see through my blind love of them. They are dancetastic! Give a listen and loosen up, it's the weekend! Enjoy my shame.


photo: http://www.timothyrichard.com

Upcoming Events- Hobnob with Halifax's elite!

TONIGHT all you fans should come to Gus's pub and for five dollars dance as if it were your job with DJ Bones, a poorly named chap who spins the disks of trend-bots. Please dress as above. (drawn by the socially in-tune and always lovely Natalie Dee.)

Here's an idea of what you're in for (taken directly from his top play list on last.fm):







...it's so trendy it's dorky. Wear something neon.

Story time- War, what is it good for?

News- Politics!

I don't know if you've realized it but some keen elections are coming up. Municipal! Throw your hands in the air! Wave 'em like you just don't care. Yes the federal are also coming up, but they are not keen or exciting. You see, I am in district 12 "downtown Halifax" the land where anyone can win! Or really just two from what I can tell. Our first option is what we've had, our other option (James) appears to be an escaped Abercrombie and Fitch model and a man who touts his former involvement with the scouts. I was in the scouts James, that's not something you want to be admitting. But you know what? He wants it, badly. I don't know where the money for his full colour signs, glossy photos, and slick website is coming from but he seems to be running a better ad campaign than Peter Kelly. Hold your horses James, you don't want to drain the coffers too early or you'll be running for mayor in a few years with a site covered in animated gifs, and no airbrushed 8 by 10 glossies.

Dawn Marie Sloane? I kind of like her, she's sassy. But should anyone ever do two terms in the municipal government? The Coast gave her a good review last year and the Coast hates everything. I don't know how I'll vote, but here's some youtube lovin' to help you decide.

Advice- Ian answers God's mail.

Yeah, last week I took on Abby's mail. But let's face it: it was dulltastic--except that crazy one about a girl with a daddy complex! I thought I handled it well by not overtly telling her she'd end up being a street walking prostitute. Abby's answer was hilarious, she just told her to bond closer with her mother. As if anyone in North America has a mother and father! For all she knows that girl has no mom and that man is married to a man, or he used to be a woman! I stand by my advice. Get out there and play some sports.

This week I am taking on God's mail from Dear-God.net. Unlike Abby with her crappy advice God doesn't even give advice, so anything I say is better than him/her. I am only taking on the sex mail though because 1) it's funny. 2) it's all you sick-minded folk care about. And 3) I can only answer so much of god's mail (there's a lot!) Part of the hilarity of this site is the pictures and, because I love you people, they will be lovingly included with each letter. Click them for big versions! (Update Sept 10th: It was messing with the formatting, so go to the page to see the pictures. Come on. I can't do everything for you)

Hanging Out With His Brother And We Slept Together
Dear God,I made a horrible mistake. I asked you to help me get over an ex that I’m still in love with, that broke my heart. Well I didn’t get over him but I have been spending time away from him and it’s been great. The only problem is that I recently starting hanging out with his brother and we slept together. It was a drunken mistake and I really feel horrible about the entire thing.I wanted to tell the ex but I figured that I should let his brother do that. The brother doesn’t want to tell him now but I can’t live with this. It’s all I can think about and this sounds stupid but I’m really not this kind of person. I know that I’m the one that screwed up and that I need to deal with it but a little help would be greatly appreciated. I just don’t want this terrible mistake to ruin my ex’s relationship with his brother and if my ex and I could come out of all this as friends that would be great too, but I wouldn’t want ask for too much. Truthfully more than anything else I just want them to be okay and I want to get through this.Thanks for everything. Betsy, Virginia/USA

Dear Betsy,
You are not going to be friends with your ex. Being friends with exes is rare, and now that you're slept with his brother, it's doubtful. On the plus side though what you did isn't wrong! You were broken up! You are not in a relationship with him anymore! And don't give me this "I was drunk" bullshit. I've been drunk, I've been very drunk. I may get a little loose lipped but I've never become a landing strip for an ex-boyfriend's brother's penis. You did it because some part of you wanted to do it, (even if it was a self-destructive part of you). Here's my advice: tell the brother you have VD but you don't want to tell his brother--then see if he pipes up. Don't lie though, you'll have to make sure you have something -- and you probably do if you're bringing men down the runway after a few drinks. Then get out there, try to keep you pants on for a few dates and I'm sure you'll find someone new who's into the whole cuckolded by his brother thing.

God - I Think Your Way Wrong About Sex
Dear God,I love you, but I think you’re way wrong about sex. I’ve been dating the same girl for three years and for two and a half we fought our desires because people claiming to talk for you told us to. Eventually it was too much and we gave in. It was one of the best choices I’ve ever made. Are we humans taking you too literally? Have your words been distorted by 2000 years of human pride and greed? I think so. But I wait to hear from you. Matthew, United States

Dear Matthew,
You didn't have sex for two and a half years? I don't know if I believe that. Are you being creative on what "isn't" sex? Because I think you are. I'll go by the standby my friend Pip says: "if I can get a disease from it, it's sex." Look, the church gets a lot of flack for celibacy blah blah. But let's be honest, 2000 years ago when they were writing the bible--condoms and birth control probably weren't flying at you at pride parades, frosh weeks and barmitzvahs. Diseases and pregnancy were a very real threat. It made sense to promote celibacy. Luckily today we don't live in the dark ages, we have precautions and as long as you know what you're in for--go for it.
Want to know a secret too? All those people claiming to talk for God are repressed whores. At least you're in a committed loving relationship.

I’ve Struggled With Being Promiscuous For More Than Two Years Now
Dear God, I think it was last night that I finally decided to turn this over to you. As you know, I’ve struggled with being promiscuous for more than two years now. I hate the person I’ve become; I hate thinking about all the people I have had sex with. I am ashamed and I have felt alone in my pain because I haven’t let you take over my heart. I hate the false dichotomy I’ve been living - loving you, loving everybody, growing to know you better, all the while still having sex with people I barely know. I can’t do this anymore, & I know you’ve finally decided to intervene, no longer letting me go it alone. I love you,Lord. You have to save me from this. Take away this burden, make me new, make me to accept your forgiveness, and to open up to somebody I can trust to hold me accountable. Jesus, your forgiveness & your grace are so overwhelming. I can not praise you enough. Jenne - California/USA

Dear Jenne/Slut,
Stop telling fine people like Matthew above that he shouldn't be having sex, your lifestyle is a fine one for some people, there's nothing wrong with it. But undeniably: it's not working for you. So what are your other options? Well the most obvious ones are be less slutty, become a nun, chastity belt. He's what you need to do, find some man who is a crazy nymphomaniac like yourself. People knock meeting online but there's a scenario where you can get to know eachother before you bring his airplane into your hanger. Give it a try.

I’m A Christian And My Sex Life Sucks
Dear God, I grew up in your church that told me that sex before marriage was wrong and could lead to destruction in relationships later in life… I abstained. Now I’m married to my beautiful wife that grew up under the same pressures to abstain. We don’t have sex because there are so many barriers and fences put up in her that sex is bad, sinful, guilt-riden, and carries all these negatives. (Now, she doesn’t say these things, but its what I surmise & feel from her) While dating, we grew strong spiritually and emotionally, but the sex/physical intimacy was avoided. Now we are like on a 3-legged stool with only 2 legs! Falling. Honestly it sucks with the sex drive that you handed me! I waited my whole life for this? And when we do make love, it has to be in the bedroom, on the bed, missionary pos. no exceptions… ever. God, is this what you intended for this beautiful experience? Sometimes, shamefully, I wish I’d taken advantage of all the opportunities I had in HS or College. Hear my cry Oh Lord! Why is it so bad to talk about this important intimate part of a marriage relationship? Yes, I’m a Christian and my sex life sucks! Michael, Wyoming/USA

Dear Michael,
Uhh, well that sucks. I own a book Michael it is called: 'How to Be Happily Married' written by Elam J Daniels published in 1955 it comes with the warning underneath that it is "for married people only" in capital letters. I have read the entire contents of this book Michael, I am unmarried, and there is nothing salacious, interesting or sexy about the relationship they describe. Instead it is about the "termites" that plague marriage including "modern dance"--can you imagine? How scandalous. It is mostly about fear of the marriage ending from these "termites" rather than the love that should be at the centre.
Look Michael, you're married I believe that marriage is a sacrament, and if you go out and try to do what you wish you did in HS and College that's wrong. But a genuinely failed marriage that you stay in is also wrong. So discuss it, did you marry too naive? If the answer is yes then maybe it's time to get out of it. But the world may not be the slut-fest you imagine. Though I do know a girl now named Jenne you might like to get to know.

Sex Addict
Dear God,When I was a kid my mother used to say that my body was my temple. I never liked my mother and now she’s dead. Maybe everything I’ve done since then has been an attempt to exorcise her memory. When I think of all the men I’ve had sex with it seems like the only explanation. It’s not like I’m attracted to them - many of them are ugly, some of them are fat and most of them I can’t even remember. Most of them are married guys I meet online. I’d like to feel guilty about sleeping with the love of somebody else’s life – but I don’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a love I can compare it to. Please God, what can I do? I know I’m a sex addict but I don’t know why and I think I might be at the end of my rope. I was never religious when I was a kid – I hated church and everything that went with it. But now I find I’ve exhausted every avenue. There’s nothing left. Are you there God?Tina in Chicago

Hey Tina,
Read what I wrote to Jenne.

Sex With Men
Dear God,I don’t know where to start. This is so hard for me to say that I have never told another living soul. First, let me say that I’m a married man and that I have a wife and three children I love very much. Sometimes when I think how much I love them I wonder how it is that I do what I do. I’ve lied to myself so long about this there seems no point in lying to you, so I’ll just say it – I go to public toilets and have sex with men. It started seven years ago after my promotion. Since then I have gone almost every day and sometimes twice a day to a toilet near the base but sometimes I go to local park. I’ve tried to stop through willpower but I can’t. I have to admit that the excitement of it is too much to resist. I find everything about the experience a total turn on, from the anonymity to the danger and even the smell. I need to say that I’m straight. I am, I know that and I could never have a relationship with a man. I also know that I’m risking everything. I could be arrested or blackmailed and I worry all the time about AIDS. Why do I do this? Do I hate myself? I can’t see a psychologist. I can’t talk about this with anyone. Please, dear God, show me a way out of this. Jim, San Diego

Dear Jim,
I do believe your straight, or bi--or maybe you really are gay. I know people will doubt this, but obviously the anonymous sex thing is just a turn-on to some men. And since there are not many darkened corners where women are bringing in "plane-penises" for a landing (except for Tina and Jenne) you have discovered the charm of forbidden sex the gay community has been dubiously associated with. And for some reason you like the smell of pee? Really?
But to address the marriage part: you need to tell your wife, or get out of the relationship or stop having sex with her now. She doesn't know the risk you are posing to her and you are doing her a disservice by doing that to her. Then get help, get tested, and talk it out with her. You need more help than God and I can offer.

Favorite things- Online music

Remember when Pandora.com gave you this message after so much time enjoying its musical bounty? Did you cry? Did you sob? What a baby. Luckily in case you haven't heard there's a new kid on the block and his name is last.fm. It's similar enough to pandora that you will be gleeful, but different enough that you'll miss the super-simple pandora interface. Basics are the same, enter in who you want your music to sound like and it will recommend other artists. Sometimes you get surprises of music you already know and like coming on the radio (salt 'n' pepper-- or is that just me?).

Also, I have to give a little love to odeo.com I used it to post this past weekend's dance party. The selection is limited but if you ever want to listen to a podcast while on your computer without downloading it, it is the way to go. You can find the Savage Love podcast from the delightful Dan Savage who does the column of the same name -- Only in this case, people call in with their freaky questions, and sometimes he calls them back! It is darling. Speaking of which, his books are fantastic, not sleazy (depending if you're a prude) and very endearing. Go read them now.

Or sometimes, as shown below, youtubers just take a song they like slap up a picture and you're ready to go. I love you youtube the mostest. No video for it, just let the lyrics flow over you and learn a lesson about the gays of yore:

Dance Party- Move your feet to the beat!

The weekend is here! And unless you're boring you want to get those toes tapping and those hands a' clapping. So have a little dance party at your computer...now.

some YELLE


A Peaches cover


CSS


Junior Senior


Woodhands

Upcoming Events- 'Rocks' the Coast

I can solidly say that Rich Aucoin does in fact 'rock.' Although he seems to be Hipster who is trying too hard with his old phone receiver attached to a cell phone, tight clothes and bright colours, when he brings your childhood to the stage with video of the grinch he endears himself. Although Dr. Seuss layed the smack down on that cute-fest he promises more and I look forward to that delivery.

I See Rowboats was described to me as "the type of music you want to dance naked in the rain to" by a friend last year. I have yet to try that but I don't necessarily disagree. Free of pretension the strings and the cries (shouts? moans? voices?) calls you in with animal urges you haven't felt since you hit puberty.

Story time- No, it's not personal

Maybe it's that it speaks to me, maybe it's that she went to my university. Maybe it's because it's one of the few things on the internet that makes me double over in laughter on occasion, and maybe it's because it's high brow. I love Kate Beaton's site. Check out the 'conversations with a younger self' and 'maybe it's a journal' but make sure to check it all out. This lady knows how to tell a hilarious story through pictures.

News- What's happening to people who aren't you.

I read about it before, but to be gay in Iran it's more acceptable if you become a woman? Odd that in the west to be transgendered is more persecuted than to be openly gay.

Advice- Ian answer's Abby's mail.

You can read what Abby had to say here. Sadly no one just emails me asking for help (hint hint) so I'm going to deliver a dose of reality to people looking for Abby's assistance.

DEAR ABBY: My son is the recipient of a four-year college scholarship with full tuition. He selected and applied to this school. The problem is, he now wants to transfer to another college. This means he would finish his sophomore year and give up two years of the scholarship.

The reason he has given us is "a lot of his friends go there." I have been upset over this to the point of tears. We're a working-class family that struggles to cover the cost of his dorm and his meals. My son says I'm being difficult. How does a parent handle this? -- THINKING AHEAD IN GADSDEN, ALA.

DEAR THINKING AHEAD: Has he applied for scholarships at this school? Have you threatened to withdraw funding? Have you threatened to shove him back where he came from? The last of these solutions is extreme, I know, and kind of uncomfortable for you--but would make a hilarious news story. If he's a smart guy he'll get scholarships at the new school, lay out the reality that he needs to get a job, and negotiate. Think of this as a chance to carve out the relationship you are going to have with your adult son. He's going to make mistakes, but they are his mistakes now--I'm not saying don't help him out but he needs subsidize the difference. Don't increase the support.

DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old. My problem is my dad won't spend time with me. He always has friends over, or he's too tired. I have written letters to him to hang with me and how I feel. Now what should I do? -- LONELY GIRL IN MAINE

DEAR LONELY GIRL: Daddy issues, lonely, living in Maine? This is just a recipe for trouble (readers, you know what I'm talking about). Seek out help from your school, there are usually councilors or teachers who are there to help. You've made an effort with your father but you have to move on. Time to take matters in your own hands and join a club, a sports team, get active in something your father's interested in but don't rely on him. Be an independent powerful woman and stay off the streets.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a restaurant, and one of the biggest complaints I hear every summer is how cold it is inside. We keep the temperature set at a constant 72 degrees year-round. Could you please remind people that for the comfort and safety of those who are cooking and serving that it needs to be slightly cooler inside? Please bring a sweater for your comfort. Even 72 degrees is not cool enough when you're working in a restaurant. -- HOT IN NEW PARIS, OHIO

DEAR HOT: People in the service industry need respect. They don't make alot, and they work harder than you for less money. Give them a break. They're running around with hot food and going in and out of steaming kitchens. If you're cold wear a sweater, or light a small fire at your table.

Favorite things- Pretending to be in the past!

Maybe it's the 80s colours, maybe it's that it reminds me of childhood, but who doesn't kind of like the past? Or specifically things that pretend it's the past. Cause shoulder pads are gone, and no one wants them back. Except maybe Oprah? But she's special, they don't work on non-deities.