Advice - Ian answers Claudia Dey's mail

You can see how she responded here...though it's not nearly as fun as my responses. You can write in for advice by emailing me at Ian_Mullan@hotmail.com.

W M from Canada writes: I've had a romantic relationship for a few months with a man i work with. He says he has little time to see me after work and we spend most of our time going for lunch or coffee breaks together or beers after work. Nothing is ever planned or set up in advance when we spend time together, it's always spur of the moment, even the rare time we'd spend a night together. His time he says is taken up with his kids because his ex wife won't take her fair share of the responsibilities. Am I getting used? And if so, how do I gain distance from him? I find it's hard to say 'no' since nothing's ever planned in advance.
Dear WM,
Pshh. This is the easiest solution ever: kill his kids. Problem solved. Though in the off chance you don't want to go all Medea on him then there is another option.
Look, his kids have to be his priority, they will always be his primary priority. If you want to be a part of his life you have to understand and respect his relationship with his children. He should make it very clear to them that by spending time with you he is not taking away time from them, that their bond will always be very special and separate the last thing you want to do is try to replace their mother, they have a mother and it will be traumatizing to them if you force yourself into that role. This means (if the relationship continues) he is the disciplinary figure, he is in charge of boundaries for the kids, and he is clear to them what place you have in their lives. If you stay, you need to think of yourself as a kind aunt.
Okay, after stating that piece of advice: YES you are being used. Set up a clear schedule, ask for defined dates. Is his divorce even finalized? Are you just being kept on the side because you are "the other woman" you need to take control set up a schedule and make him stick to it. Spontaneity should be a pleasant surprise, not the foundation of your relationship. If he can't do that say "goodbye and goodluck dickface" (saying 'dickface' is optional).

d g from Canada writes: Hi there, I'm a 45yr old divorced woman and I've been in a relationship with a 27yr old man for 2 years. We met by chance and we've had a great 2 years. We get along extremely well, rarely argue, many many common interests and genuinely enjoy each other...both of us have never felt so fulfilled. This relationship wasn't easy for me..in the beginning I fought it in some ways because I felt it couldn't possibly work but in the end it did. In June his BFF came back to live in Toronto and everything essentially unravelled. Although there were a couple of times before that he felt/talked about the 'age' issue, it now came to a head. This BFF doesn't like me and has drilled it into my boyfriends head that the age issue is impossible and foolishly optimistic and this BFF took over the relationship i.e. the daily talking about daily issues etc.. (an important part of a relationship) and left me basically with the sex. This BFF also uses my boyfriend as a wing-man...he's very unattractive and as my boyfriend has said in the past, can't keep a relationship with a woman for some reason; he has angry outbursts and doesn't really have an appealing personality. My boyfriend is very intelligent, attractive, charming and loving. There are cultural differences..he's turkish and his family would meltdown (so I've heard) and I'm italian/canadian. Before the BFF moved from Toronto, he and my boyfriend constantly were together, going out to bars etc. I've never asked or wanted marriage/children. What I've wanted is the same all along that he well knows, a LTR, someone to grow old with. We broke up 2 months ago and didn't see each other at all but now he's back, telling me that he loves me, misses me etc. I can't continue seeing him because I just want him more. Now the relationship is in limbo and I'm at a loss of what to do. We love each other, he tells me this all the time and how much he misses me however he thinks being together is foolishly optimistic. Help.
Dear Dg,
You will not grow old together. Sorry but it is true. If he's keeping this "unattractive" friend despite attacking the relationship he must agree in some way. If he says his family would never approve you can't possibly be a secret forever. You broke up for two months and he came back because he (probably) wasn't getting any? You are 45 years old, I am fine with intergenerational love but this relationship has more issues that just an age difference. People date close in age because they have similar interests, they have similar maturity. If you are an immature 45 year old, fine. But one day your 27 year old may grow to an age when he wants things like a marriage and family, things that you've said 'no' to already in life. It's not going to work.

J from Waterloo Canada writes: My wife & have been married for 25 years. Durng the last 6 months she has reconnected with her highschool/university boyfriend whom she hadn't seen or had contact in over 25 years. She had been open with me about her emailing him (he lives 2000 miles away), and seeing him during a trip she coincidentally made there in June. After another arranged meeting last month (which I was aware of), she dropped enough hints that I came out and asked her if she and him had had sex, yes, both during the June and September meetings. We have a good marriage I think by anyone's estimation, and we have never been unfaithful to one another since marriage until this occasion. She claims she is 'poly-amorous', and that her love for him is quite independent of her love for me. I don't consider myself a jealous type, but this news took me by surprise. In the last 3 weeks we have spent a great deal of time talking about this, we have never been angry with one another. It's clear that at age 48 she is embracing life and opening herself up to experiences that she wouldn't have as a younger woman, and she's clearly very happy and comfortable in her own skin. She recognizes that in one way, she has 'thrown our marriage away', but it really has reinvigorated it and brought us closer and made us more honest with one another than I think we have ever been. Partly because of all the intense time together, our sex life is simply fantastic now. We love each other and want what is best for each other to be happy. The shock and hole in my heart that opened up when I learned that she had sex with this other guy is fading, but to be honest it's still there a bit. We've talked about how it wasn't a big deal (for me) for her to be emotionally connecting with this guy again, but the sex is a big deal for me, and for her the sex is just a minor part of her having this guy in her life. So three weeks in I'm saying her affair has been a good thing for our marriage -- any advice on keeping it that way?
Daer J,
Deal goes both ways. Get some action on the side yourself and then what happens? Can you say no to a side patner with a veto? Can she? You have no power in this situation. She has two loves and you have one. Great, so if yours doesn't work she's set for the next one. And she lied to you (or kept the truth from you). The sex is better, but that doesn't mean the relationship is more solid. She didn't even offer a threesome! What kind of a wife is that?
Okay, okay. It's been 25 years, maybe you have kids. But she's really shaken the foundations. It doesn't look like she thinks she's done anything wrong and you've permitted it by not acting against it. If you can look past it I think that's just great but if you look into your heart and you can't, then be honest with yourself. If these aren't the terms of marriage you agreed to then maybe you need to back out gracefully.

F T from TO Canada writes: I have recently come out of a long term, 9 year relationship. The split was as amicable as it is possible, after so long a time. I am currently dating a younger woman, who's company I enjoy very much. Truthfully, it is because of both her enthusiasm for life and for her youthful beauty. However, I also enjoy the company of a particular woman who's closer to my age, especially since I respect her choices in life thus far. My main concern is to be truthful to myself, and those involved. Due to the recent past, I am not interested in a long term stable relationship, I think, although by all past indicators, I am a long term serial monogamist. How does one reconcile this type of situation? Is it possible to spend time with both women? I think I know the answer, but I'd still like to hear your opinions. Thanks for your time.
Dear FT,
NO! I especially feel bad for the younger woman, you don't want a LT relationship so you're assuming that's not what she's gunning for? If you're not telling her about the other woman I assume there is a huge web of lies you're weaving as well. Great, 9 years, I commend you. Did you learn nothing on how to treat people?

RT from ottawa Canada writes: Hello Ms. Dey, It has been almost a year now since the last time I was intimate with my first love, a relationship that ended in turmoil. The reason for our destruction was my lack of trust and faith. Now this trust issue stems from a history of divorced parents, lies, betrayal, and previous relationships. However, after speaking with a psychologist, and feeling quite confident in my ability to trust others, I still failed to trust this individual. In the last month I have spoken to her on a few occasions, the first since December 2007. We have both moved on, although in very different ways, she has another, and I chose self-reflection. Is there a purpose in letting her back into my life, even though the demise of our relationship was never truly solved? Should I continue with my life and forget the one women who once meant the world to me? I would appreciate your advice.
Dear philosophy major,
Move on. There are so many people out there. How can you even trust yourself if you can't make up your mind if you want to be with someone? The only person you can trust is you. If you commit, if you focus, if you make it clear your intention that is all you can do. Then you just gotta hope the person with you follows along. Problems with trust are internal, if you fear commitment then you will project it on others, that they are somehow making you fear taking the plunge. Be more self-aware and you'll know you've found love when you find it.